


What's meant to be will always find a way

by zitrolena



Category: SKAM (Spain)
Genre: Always find their way back together even if it takes time, Bisexual Character, Deep love, F/F, Realistic, Sorry for any heartbreaks, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-22
Updated: 2019-09-02
Packaged: 2020-09-24 04:56:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20352757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zitrolena/pseuds/zitrolena
Summary: [Breaking up was a mutual decision; even if none of them was happy with it...]Now that she's back in Madrid everything can change again.But only if they are willing to give it another chance





	1. One of those nights

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you don't hate me for it! :)  
Playlist fitting to the story: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqRnLd5-kMujd3ak39LnSI02YnhcXltuF

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> People leave but how they leave always stays.. The way they leave tells you everything. – Rupi Kaur

It’s one of those nights again. Those kinds of nights that keep becoming more and more now that she’s back in Madrid. She hates not being able to sleep; not being able to stop herself from thinking, to stop herself from remembering; to stop wondering what could have been; what probably would be.

Breaking up was a mutual decision; even if none of them was happy with it. It just stopped; not the love which no matter how hard both tried to forget was still there. But love stopped being enough. Sometimes, love just wasn’t enough no matter how much both wished it was.

When Cris left Madrid, she knew what she would leave behind. Joana. Her friends. Her family.

Joana.

Joana.

Joana.

She knew it but that didn’t stop her. And it wasn’t running away either; as her friends told her multiple times. It was taking an opportunity to grow. She still couldn’t completely forgive herself for it though, no matter how often people told her that it was okay; even when Joana did.

Her friends promised Cris that they would take care of Joana because she was their friend after all now too, and knowing that actually made it easier for Cris to leave. Because she knew that no matter how hard they would try to make Joana feel comfortable, she’d pull away; as long as Cris was still there as well. She’d feel like the friendship she had built with the girls, especially with Viri and Amira, was less worthy as the friendship Cris had with them. Cris knew Joana that well after all. And Cris also knew that Joana needed good friends, especially then. 

She remembers all those times talking to Amira on the phone with all those questions lingering on her tongue but trying to hold herself back from letting them slip out. _How is Joana doing? Is she okay? _Still, no matter how hard she tried, at the end of almost every phone call a question about Joana has slipped out and Amira always answered with the exact three same words “_She is fine”_

**It** was on one drunken night; the night of their would-be-third-year-anniversary; when a different question was begging to be asked by Cris and her drunkenness stopped her from keeping it in.

“_Does Joana still love me?_”, she blurred out when she leaned against the doorframe; holding a beer in the one hand and the phone in the other.

As the other line went still, the only thing Cris could hear was her heart beating in her chest. But she couldn’t take that question back – And she didn’t want to either.

After a while she could hear Amira sigh on the other side of the line “Of course she does…Love doesn’t just vanish, Cris”. Cris couldn’t keep a chuckle in, of course she knew; she had first hand experience with this. “She probably always will”

A smile plastered itself on Cris’ face before she could stop herself. She knew it shouldn’t make her smile.. She should wish that Joana was happy.. without her.. maybe even with someone else. Cause that’s what you should want the person you love to have, right? Happiness! But the thought of seeing her with someone else ripped her heart out so she rather not thought about it; she’d rather feel selfish about that part for now.

Another question beamed in Cris’ head but she managed to hold this one in even though everything inside her wanted to know.

… _Is Joana still in love with me?…_

She wouldn’t manage the possible answer. Couldn’t risk that 50/50 chance. She didn’t know what a yes would mean either. One would shatter her to pieces and the other one would probably only make her feel worse for her heart beating faster at that response.

Instead, she let her heart talk instead.

“I miss her, you know”. She tiptoed to the other side of the doorframe; tipsy and light-headed because of the alcohol and drained of the feeling rising in her chest. Conflicted, about every single thing, but she knew this one fact. The sting in her chest that grew everytime she said her name was to obvious to forget about that. 

A million memories flashed in her mind the moment she said it. As if these words triggered all the memories she tried to keep in for so long. As if saying it out loud was different than feeling it every single day for 3 months. 

Without being able to control herself she remembered everything.

Them alone; cuddling, laughing, just holding each other while studying and being distracted because of the other one a second later.

She thought about them with their friends; how normal it became for everyone that Joana was now part of their group. How Joana opened up. 

But mostly – and also weirdly – she remembered Joana with Cris’ family. She remembered the awkwardness at first, the uncomfortableness of the first dinner before Dani and Joana laughed about an inside joke they didn’t bother to explain to Cris. She remembered her mother hugging Joana goodbye. She remembered Joanas beaming smile, brightening the whole hallway as she stepped outside right afterwards.

She remembered everything that Joana was to her. _Still is to her. _

She remembered Joana being a part of every single world that Cris lived in. As if she belonged there.

_She remembered love._

Cris leaned against the doorframe to keep her from falling over.

She feels Joanas touch on her cheek, her lips on every single part of her skin, she hears her laugh, she feels every single thing at once making her hold onto the doorframe even more as if she would faint if she’d let go. As if letting go would mean forgetting everything about them. “I really, really miss her”

“Yeah I know”. Amiras voice was soft and caring which still surprised her considering the fact that Amira probably had to listen to both of them complain since they parted. “Have you ever tried calling her?”, she asked and her voice became steady again “You know she can’t because your phone number changes every time you’re in a new hostel”.

Amira once asked her why she didn’t take her phone with her on her travels and Cris didn’t lie when she said that she wanted to completely detox from social media. But in fact, she wanted to detox from everything, mostly herself. Maybe that wasn’t the healthiest approach, but it was the only approach that made sense to her trying to be happy again.

A couple months after school had ended, Cris had lost complete sense of what happiness meant to her. Cris didn’t like school but she never felt as lost as after it ended. Partying with the girls felt like living in a bubble of repetition. Laying in Joanas arms felt like being suffocated. And due to the fact that Cris took an unplaned gap year because she missed the registration for uni, every day seemed like the last and also the next one. She felt caged, even if no one caused that feeling but herself. She wasn’t happy and not even Joana could help with that. _Sometimes love just wasn’t enough._

“No”, her voice cracks and she feels her face heating up “I couldn’t bear to hear Joanas voice again”. She heard it enough in her dreams already. “I-I just can’t”

“I know, it’s okay! Everything is fine, Cris”, Amira quickly answered “You did nothing wrong”. She still felt, like she did though.. Like she didn’t try hard enough.

Cris increased her hold on the phone and her voice started trembling “Amira.. Do you think that she hates me for it?”

Amira sighed and Cris could register a soft laugh behind it “She knows you, idiota. If she can’t stop loving you do you really think she could start hating you?”

-

Laying in bed now, Cris remembers the last time she said Goodbye to Joana. How the sun screamed down at her face eventhough it was just the end of february. How loud everyone was around her; the people, the cars, the wind. And how everything felt heavy on Cris’ shoulders when she watched Joana cross the street to her.

It was a week and a half after their small but big fight.

It was 6 days after their breakup in Joanas room which felt worse in a different way from when they first broke up. It was different because both of them knew what would happen when Cris opened the door. This time, her heart didn’t shatter into little pieces but felt more as if someone ripped the beating thing out of her chest and left her completely empty. No one prepares you for feeling this way even if you’ve made the choice yourself.

It was 5 days after their last kiss when Cris finally took the first step out of Joanas house.

It was 4 days of missing each other rather than seeing each other.

It was 1 day after Cris told Amira to tell Joana about her travel plans, because she couldn’t herself.

It was 45 minutes after Joana texted her that she needed to see her one last time.

It was 2 days before Cris got in an airplane and flew away.

It was the last time Cris had heard Joanas voice. The last time Cris saw Joanas purple hair. The last time she hoped for a kiss that never came. It was the last time she wanted to hold her but couldn’t bring herself to do so.

It was the last time she heard the person she loves say “I just want you to be happy”. 

It was the last time she saw the girl she loved so dearly and wouldn’t see for 15 months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might not be for everyone because I tried to write realistically and about something that often happens in young relationships. I mostly wrote this because I felt like many people expect their favs to stay together forever and if they break up it's because they HAD to seperate, but sadly that's not always it and that's okay, too. I just hope you keep on reading and If not: thanks for reading the first chapter! :)


	2. Nothing is the same, except everything and nothing is.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Athazagoraphobia – the fear of forgetting; being forgotten or ignored; or being replaced.

She doesn’t know how she has found herself here. Well, of course she does but it doesn’t make her register it more either.. She asked Amira for Joanas current address, ignoring the face that Amira made that could either mean ‘Why are you doing this to yourself?’ or ‘Why are you doing this to her?’.. Cris can’t decide which one would be worse. 

Now, standing in front of the large building, fixing her braids, breathing out, breathing in, she finally builds up the courage to knock on the door.

3 knocks are all she manages before she leans back again, stiff like a stick. Her heart beating in her chest, pulling against it as if it was trying to get out before it breaks again. Scared. When she hears the creak of the opening door she closes her eyes for a second; not ready yet. Not ready ever.

“Heyyyy!!!”, the familiar voice screams before Cris feels arms pulling her into a soft hug “You’re back!!”. Cris immediately hugs her back, actually thanking her body for reacting when her head felt like infinite loops of ‘What the fuck’s.

When the girl ends the hug, she looks at her with an excited grin in her face. Her light-brown locks, a little shorter than Cris remembered; are falling around her cheeks landing on her pink T-shirt. She looks almost exactly the same; still seeing Viri has never confused Cris more than at that moment.

The infinite loop hasn’t stopped when she finally manages to speak again. Weirdly chuckling she murmurs “Haha yeah”. Trying to hide her confusion, Cris raises her arms in the air and strengthens every muscle in her face; Faking excitement never feeling as exhausting as at that moment “Surprise”.

It isn’t as if Cris hadn’t planned on seeing her friends again, of course she did! She actually planned to crash Amiras party on the weekend and pull a more existing surprise than the one she did right now. She missed them and wants to see them as soon as possible. But not here. Not now. Not when she wants to see Joana.

“Since when are you back?”, Viris smile widens “God, you must have so many stories to tell”. She claps her hands exhilarated. “And oh my god, wait!”, she grabs one of Cris’ braids “Am I delusional or is this shorter?”. It is. Travelling through the Asian-heat with long hair was actually like accepting a slow and painful death, so she cut it. Like some kind of restart; she wants to grow it back though.

“Only 2 days..”, Cris leans from one foot to the other “But I wanted to settle in a bit before meeting all of you again.. and yes”, she answers and brushes her fingers over her bare arm, which is covered all over with goosebumps either because of the april weather playing games or her body just now fully processing the whole situation. _A bit late, fella, but thanks for the delay . _

Viri immediately notices the goosebumps on Cris’ arm and tells her to come inside, almost pulling her with her.

The apartment is beautifully decorated, with some drawings by Joana which Cris immediately notices the second she enters through the door. She could register her drawings everywhere. Viri slowly leads her to the big gray couch and both of them sit down.

Like so often, Viri is still wearing a big smile on her faces when her eyes suddenly widen and she quickly looks down at her watch, almost terrified. “Shit!!”. She jumps up in a quick motion and starts shaking her head “Chica, I love you. But I gotta go, I have classes with THE WORST teacher EVER. I’m really really sorry!!”

She picks up her bag and looks back at Cris who still sits on the couch as if someone put her into stand-by-mode. She really feels like someone did. Viri starts talking again, getting kind of nervous at the thought of her teacher “We could meet another time or you could stay cause J-..”… And then there’s the click. Viris body seems to calm down for a second and she slowly registers everything. The whole reason Cris is here.

She pulls her lips together into a soft smile and starts shaking her head again “Just stay!”, she bits her underlip in excitement “She’ll be right back”.

You could literally see her fangirling on the inside from the way she tried to hide a grin. And with that big hidden grin and her white bag in her hand she disappeared through the door, leaving Cris alone in the apartment of her ex-girlfriend.

“B-Bye”, Cris murmurs completely aware of the fact that there’s no way Viri could hear her. 

\------

It takes a while for Cris to fully process everything that happened in the last 3 minutes and when she does, she comes up with the conclusion that it couldn’t have gone any worse. _Wait till Joana sees you, _she thinks but slowly brushes the thought away. She built up the courage to get here and now she wasn’t planning on giving up the second it got hard. Or weird.

Slowly she stands up from the soft cushions and looks around. There are drawing everywhere, almost on every wall, and if Cris were to count them she’d say that there are around 30 drawing she’d swear are Joanas. They are colorful, full of yellow, orange, red, violet and every shade of blue. Happy colors. Cris pulls up her hands to touch her cheeks, trying to ground herself; trying to get her heartbeat to a normal pace again; trying to whipe her big smile away. _Happy colors. _

She cups her face a little more almost as if she was trying to squish her smile out of her face_. Happy. Joana. _She feels a heat rising in her chest, that special kind she hasn’t felt for a long time. _Joana_.

For Cris, there are four different types of heat in your chest: the one where you want something, the one when you’re drunk, the one where you miss something or someone and the one where you’re undeniably happy. She feels the last one now.

_She has arrived home again. At least it felt like that. _

When she hears the clicking sound of the lock, quickly followed by the creaking sound of the wooden door being opened she turns around. She feels unprepared, still not ready, but knows that there isn’t going back now. There’s never a going back.

Joana looks unprepared as well; understandably. Who would expect their ex to be standing in their living room after not being in contact for 15 months? Her upper body is leaning forward while her feet are still right next to the door whilst she’s actually keeping her hand on the door handle as if she’s preparing for escaping through the door again.

Her hazel eyes are fixated on the blonde girl, looking up and down as if she’s not sure that she can trust her eyes yet. Her dark brown hair is put in a bun showing the green highlights on her hair-ends. That’s the only change Cris can register in the first few seconds of them looking at each other from across the room, both not saying a word. She still looked like Joana. _Her Joana._

“Hey”, Cris’ voice is soft, mimicking the heat that she still carries around in her chest even though her big smile is now covered by a nervous one. She feels like a little girl mentally preparing herself for a presentation at school.

Slowly Joana lets go of the handle in her hand and her arm loosely falls next to her body. “Uhm hi”. She looks confused, of course she does, but it bothers Cris that that’s the only emotion she can register from Joanas eyes. The only other sign of emotion is her voice vibrating when she says those 2 words, but everything other than that makes Cris feel like a stranger. 

Cris points behind herself “Viri let me in..” her hand finds her neck “I didn’t just break in or something “, she chuckles trying to break the awkwardness. 

It doesn’t break.

It doesn’t even crack a little bit.

Joanas seems unbothered, seemingly distracted even, and starts moving from the door to the kitchen and puts her bag on the kitchen table. “Aha okay”, she says calmly while pulling one item after the other out of the bag, storing it in the fridge but leaving a loaf of bread outside. As if it was a normal day. As if nothing was different.

Cris feels as confused as a couple minutes ago; waiting for Joana and then actually being greeted by Viri. Just that she feels like waiting for Joana now whilst actually talking to her. She doesn’t know what she expected but that definitely isn’t it.

“I- I just came back and..” Cris starts stammering while Joana cuts off a slice of bread with a fast motion, that makes Cris bite her inner lip before she starts talking again. “And I came here, because I wanted to see you.. bec-“

Cris jumps up at the feeling of something brushing her bare legs. She looks down at a little white fluffy creature with brown-green eyes looking at her. In the back of her eyes Cris registers Joanas confused look while she pushes herself up at the counter and looks over to the little fella, that is waddling between Cris’ legs, brushing over each side, waiting to be stroked. 

“Madame!”, Joana hisses and claps her hands trying to get her cat away from her ex. The fact that Cris is the only guest Madame hasn’t scratched before she gets comfortable enough with the idea of them stroking her, isn’t helping either.

The cat, totally unbothered by her owner making that sound looks up at the blonde human over her, ready for her pickup. Cris immediately follows that demand and starts caressing the back of the soft cat. She can feel Joanas eyes on her, darting through her. Watching every move as if she isn’t sure that she likes what’s happening.

“Madaaaaame”, Cris mouths, pulling the head of the pillowy cat to her “You are such a cutie, I love you already!” and softly gives kisses her fur with her eyes closed. Joana starts biting her nails at that comment, still standing behind the kitchen counter, trying not to look at the softness of that moment.

When Cris opens her eyes again, she immediately notices the little violet collar and the words printed on it “Madame de Tourvel”. And with that, the heat in her chest is back again. She pulls the fluffy cat against her chest, against the warm feeling inside of it. 

“What are you smiling about?”. She hears Joanas voice, seemingly so far away but yet so near. Cris doesn’t look up, she wouldn’t want Joana to look away. Being watched by her while looking away was still better than being ignored. 

Cris makes a grimace “I’m not smiling”, she murmurs while shaking her head, not even trying to wipe the smile off her face. She pulls the cat closer to her as if the soft fur of the cat and her purring was some kind of shield against Joana. In some way it works.

Joana grunts, opening the fridge next to her and taking out a slice of cheese. “You have a big ass smile all plastered over your face, Cris”. The mention of her own name out of Joanas mouth only makes her smile grow wider. Even if she said it while being annoyed; at least she registered her existence now.

“Huh.. I don’t know”, Cris chuckles leaning against the fluffy fur that’s tickling her chin “I guess I’m just really happy then”. _With you. Even if it looks like you want to kill me._ She knows she shouldn’t have said it, but she doesn’t care. Standing in front of Joana, even if she has the biggest frown on her face, feels nice. Unreal but yet so meant to be.

Joana murmurs something under her breath, smacking the door of the fridge shut.

Cris watches her amused. “I think your mommy is mad, Madame”, she whispers into Madame de Tourvels ear, her grin making her voice sound much higher than it usually is. She’s talking in her baby-voice and she doesn’t even know why. Her defense for saying that…well, she doesn’t have one. The cute cat in her arm. The stress. Seeing Joana again. All this is making her feel high both in the good and the bad way.

“I’m not mad”, Joana denies. The lie is plastered all over her face, even though she looks away.

Cris chuckles; if there’s one thing she always notice about Joana it’s when she’ uncomfortable or mad. Talking to her then felt like talking to someone you don’t know. Just like now.

But the fact that her eyes finally talk for her gives Cris some confidence. Cris pulls up the cat again, turning her around so that her green eyes look directly at Joana, with Cris’ blue eyes right behind her doing the same. “Madame, what do you say? Is she angry or not?”

Slowly Joana looks in her direction again and they lock eyes from across the room, just like they did so often before. It’s as if they’ve both been hypnotized, in trance, dancing through the room without actually moving.

People say the eyes are the doors to the soul and if that is true Joanas and Cris’ souls have been connected since the first time they met at that step outside the club. Just like they still are now. Just like they always will be. Nothing is the same, except everything and nothing is.

In slow pace and the cat still pressed against her chest, Cris walks across the room, as they talk without saying a single word. Joanas body is both stiff and also loose, leaning against the counter as if she’d faint if she moved.

She looks attentive, annoyed and like she’d want to scream another A-word at the blonde girl that is coming dangerously close to her again.

Now standing in front of Joana, with only the cat between them, Cris finally lets out the breath she didn’t even knew she held in. She takes Joana in, every detail, she couldn’t register from afar before. Her brown hair that is lighter now because of the summer-sun. Some freckles that are covering her cheeks and making her look younger. And those hazel brown eyes, those beautiful eyes that are fixating on her right now. And her soft lips. So close.

Cris’ cheeks blush immediately, and she looks away “I’m sorry”, she laughs not being able to keep the energy that is bottled up inside her in anymore. “You know how I am with cats”. , she says as if she doesn't know herself that every weird and annoying thing she did in the last couple of minutes was because of the overwhelming feeling of being next to Joana again, but it was obvious that something inside Joana wouldn’t wanna hear the real reason.

She gets back into reality when the purring animal starts moving in her arms again. “Here”, Cris says softly while brushing over Madams fur one last time before she carefully cups her little body and heaves her in Joanas direction, closing the space between them some more. “I guess she misses you”

Their hands brush each other and even that little touch is enough to cause the heat in Cris’ chest to spread everywhere, from her head to her toes. Both of their hearts beating at the same speed.

_ Like a song moving them on the inside. A song that, this time, is not playing. _

“I actually get that”, Cris whispers, mostly to herself, but Joana is too close to overhear it. And the damage is done before Cris can take it back. She shouldn’t have said it, but she doesn’t regret it either.

“Don’t say that”, her voice is demanding, so Cris doesn’t answer and instead looks away, her head burning from the awkwardness. She’d never thought that Joana could intimidate her that much again. She looks to the counter, the toast that Joana prepared so forcefully while they “talked” being the first thing she notices. Cris starts chuckling again, obviously completely unable to act or think like a normal human being in front of Joana anymore, the uncomfortableness between them only making it worse. She feels like a complete lunatic being around her now.

“Why are you laughing again?”, Joana asks, focusing on the “again” while looking behind her to the kitchen counter confused.

“You forgot the oregano”

Joana squeezes her eyes shut “Can. You. Not..”, she bites her lip, trying to not let her smile show now that she can’t cover it with her hands anymore because she’s holding her cat “Fuck…Just.. Shut up”. The memory of the terrifyingly bad toast floods back to them and they both start chuckling, like 15 months before. Finally feeling like them again.

Like so often, and with their usual luck, it was exactly that moment that Viri enters the room, opening the door violently “And? How was-“, an uncomfortable smile immediately covers her face when she notices that Cris is still here. Right next to Joana. Well not that near anymore, anyways. “Criiiiiis, hey. You’re still here!!”

“Yup”, is all Cris manages to answer. If the awkwardness had passed with their laughter it was definitely back again now.

“So uhm..yes..”, Viri awkwardly folds her hands into each other “..-I-I’m going to my room”, with a big smile she walks through the living room “See you, Guapas”.

She entered as fast as she left, but the moment is gone already.

Joana looks back to Cris and takes another step back.. distancing herself from her some more. “We’ll see each other, okay?”, she murmurs scratching her head “Now that you’re back..”

_Now that we have to, _Cris thinks and hopes that Joana doesn't..

And with that another goodbye was said.


	3. Stolen by a monkey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I do not want to have you, to fill the empty parts of me, I want to be so full on my own, I want to be so complete, I could light a whole city, and then, I want to have you, cause the two of us combined, could set it on fire - Rupi Kaur

She doesn’t look at her. Not once.

They are sitting across from each other. As if the girls had planned it; because trying to ignore the person besides you is easier than the one right in front of you. Well, obviously that’s doesn’t always work. Joana can.

She said “We’ll see each other” but it has been 4 days without a call and the only reason they are now not, at least 100m apart as if they had an imaginary restraining order between them, is because of Amiras party. _Now that we have to_. Guess Joana really thinks so.

The only good thing about the whole situation is that Joana still came here, even though she probably knew that Cris would be here as well. At first this was the cause for some hope and a smile from Cris, but it abruptly vanished when Joana greeted her with a small “Hi” whilst her friends got long, loving hugs, the affection Cris craved the most from Joana.

The surprise this time went great; if you define Eva screaming “What the fuck?!” for 2 minutes straight and Nora throwing an avocado at her, as successful, then it definitely was. Both Viri and Amira have kept their mouth shut about Cris’ return which made all this possible. Joana didn’t talk about her either but that shouldn’t come as a surprise.

Her friends ask her about her travels. How being in Hostels is like and what kind of people she met. She’s always distracted while answering, never fully there, but thankfully her mouth talks as if it was a separate part of her body. A part of her even wishes Joana weren’t here because she wouldn’t be thinking of her with every word, but she knows she would even if she’d be a million miles away. Maybe even more.

Cris’ eyes float to Joana from time to time, hoping that they’ll look at her one time or another, but they never do. It’s making her feel like she never came back. The girls listen to a story or two about funny things that happened while going on, during which Joana playes with the broccoli on her plate the whole time. Acting not only as if Cris wasn’t there but as if she wasn’t even worthy enough of being noticed. And it hurt, it hurt in every bone.

“And what have you guys been up to?”, Cris asks, trying to get the conversation away from herself.

She doesn’t want to talk anymore. Doesn’t want to be remembered what she did with every single answer she gives them. Doesn’t want to feel Joana looking at her, looking back at her only for her eyes to be fixated on something else again. She never craved eye contact as much. 

Her eyes are drawn to Joana who looks everywhere but on her. Again. The skin behind Cris’ neck starts to tingle as she bites the inside of her lip and looks away, her eyes hurting as if she hasn’t slept for days. Completely and utterly drained from Joana finally being that close but yet so far away.

“Much less interesting than what you have to say, but okay”, Eva laughs and then one after the other says what they are doing with their life. Eva, Nora and Viri all talk about the topic they are studying, and Amira ends with her saying that she studies engineering, which Cris already knows. Right next to Amira is Joana, being the only one that hasn’t said anything yet. As if a ghost has asked the question all her friends have answered.

“And you, Joana?”, Cris whispers before she can stop herself. The idea of hearing Joanas voice is nagging on her and she wants to hear it, saying anything, even if the words escaping her lips are cold. She doesn’t care. She just wants to feel like Joana is next to her again.

Joanas eyes slowly roll from the end of the table and land on Cris; almost like she’s rolling her eyes horizontally. Her eyes are screaming at her. Asking Cris things, she’ll never get to answer if Joana doesn’t let her. Joana stretches her neck before looking back at her coldly “Graphic design”

Hearing Joanas voice immediately plasters a smile on Cris’ face and she nods approving; not saying a word, hoping that that will make Joana keep on talking. But it doesn’t. She doesn’t. Instead the awkwardness between them grows again, both of them looking at each other, neither of them understanding what the other person is trying to say. And now making Cris feel as if she’s not trying hard enough and should have kept on asking questions.

Joana stands up smiling, fake smiling, and takes Amiras and her plate. Amira immediately thanks her with a smile and then looks at Cris with a demanding look in her eyes. Amira would call her look “recommending” but it being mixed with a death glare surely isn’t that. When Joana leaves with the plates in her hand and moves to the kitchen, Cris slowly stands up, getting an approving nod from Amira and the girls smiling at her wishing luck.

She takes some forks off the table, not registering Viri starting to tell her that those are the cutlery for the dessert they didn’t have yet, but being stopped my Amira sending her a “recommending” glare, making her smile shyly and lean back into her chair.

\----

“Can I help you with something?”, Cris comes up behind Joana and puts the forks in the sink that Joana was busy with.

Joana seemingly distracted with the two plates in her hand, doesn’t look up “No, thanks”, she says sharply and turns away, brushing one of the plates.

“Okay”, Cris murmurs leaning against the sink trying to get Joanas attention again “So I can just stand here and do nothing?”. She’s trying to provoke her, feeling like it’s the only way to get her attention just like it worked the other day with Madame de Tourvel and her baby voice. Needing her attention like she needs air.

“Can’t stop you. Can I?”

Cris chuckles, actually enjoying the banter between them. She missed it. “Yeah well if someone can then it’s you”

“Well..”, Joana hisses “The last 15 months beg to differ”. And that’s when banter turns to a discussion, maybe becoming a fight, maybe ending in a break up. Cris was always scared of those. She has a big temper, both of them have, and it was so easy that words were said, you couldn’t take back no matter how much you regret them. It’s scary when things are so fragile but the sad thing is that the more important the thing, the more fragile it is.

“Joana”, Cris sighs. A part of her likes that Joana finally wants to talk about them again and not act as if they were never more than.. well, nothing. But the other part of her just wants to hold her, be held and forget everything that happened.

“We weren’t done and you know that”, Joana suddenly raises her voice and turns around to look Cris in the eyes. At least, some eye contact is happening.

Cris tries to stay calm “We broke up, Joana”

“No, YOU said you weren’t happy”, her voice becomes louder her eyes fitting to her words. Both sad and angry.

“No! I said WE weren’t happy and we agreed that we weren’t”

“Yeah but we didn’t agree on quitting love, haven’t we?”, Joana talks back aggressively.

“I never said that I stopped loving you”, Cris answers softly, swallowing.

Joana bites her cheek and raises her eyebrows annoyed “Oh and since when is love not checking on each other? Since when is love not giving a fuck about the other person?”. Her voice becoming louder and louder, letting go off all the anger that has been bottling up inside her.

”I-..”

“You could have called”, Joana interrupts ”You could have called… to.. I don’t know”, she start counting her fingers “ask me how I’m doing”, a second finger joins the other one “or ask what I’m doing”, a third finger finds it’s ways up “or how I was dealing with you leaving”

She makes a fist “If I really meant something to you, you would have checked up on me, Cris!”

Cris tries to calm the conversation down, trying not to think too much about Joana talking in past tense “I asked about you through Amira”

“That’s not the same thing and you know that!”. Joana lashes out, not having Cris’ excuses.

“Stop saying ‘you know that’ I didn’t know anything”, Cris argues back.

“Oh what, and now you do?”, she mocks “Did Buddha come up to you and say ‘Cris, cutie, here have some knowledge, or what?”

Cris scoffs and shakes her head “Can you just tell me what you’re angry about exactly, already?”, she tries to keep calm but a heat spreads in her chest, making Cris remember that there’s a fifth type of heat. “Is it me not calling you while I was away or us breaking up? Cause.I.don’t.know”

“It’s everything!!”, Joana shouts and draws her fingernails over her face “You left 2 days after breaking up and you know just as much as I do that the fight wasn’t worth breaking up over. You didn’t call ONCE while you were away and out of the blue you stand in my apartment like a freaking serial killer and annoy me with my cat”

The stress of the conversation being the only thing stopping Cris from laughing about that last comment. “I told you that I didn’t leave because of you and I didn’t call because..”, Cris voice starts breaking and she slowly breaths out, trying to calm herself down again.

“A monkey stole my number? An Elephant ate it? What?!”

“Can you stop throwing in stupid comparisons?!”, Cris bubbles out, the stress of those last days of overwhelmingly missing Joana taking over and the fact that no one needed to eat or steal Joanas number because it is the only number Cris knows by heart “Just let me finish!”.

Joana rolls her eyes and folds her arms in front of her, already annoyed by the possible answer. She keeps switching looking at the plates, back into the living room and on Cris. Joana always looks around a lot when uncomfortable.

Cris worryingly draws over her eyebrows, closing her eyes while talking “I thought it would only get worse”, she sighs, her breath slowing down.

“What?”, Joana asks, still angry but with some sight of a soft undertone.

“Missing you”, the words that have been tingling on her tongue every time she thought about Joana, finally coming out “I thought not talking to you I wouldn’t think of you as much. And I would focus on getting better and focus on what’s in front of me. But the opposite happened”, she groans and a soft sarcastic laugh escapes her mouth “The more I was away from you the more I thought about you and it only made me want to run away further and further until one day it didn’t”. Joanas eyes are fixated on Cris, looking at Cris’ moving lips as if she has been hypnotized by the words they have been saying. “And then I just wanted to go home. To you”

Cris closes the space between them and softly puts a hand on Joanas arms that are shielding her chest from Cris “I’m sorry for not calling you”, she softly says and draws over Joanas hand. A loose hair-string falls over Cris cheek and Joana fights the urge to put it behind Cris’ ear, like she had done so often before. “You’re my home and I can’t survive you treating me like a stranger, Joana”. Cris can feel tears of relief for finally saying it evolving in her eyes. “You know who I am, more than anyone”, Cris adds softly, stroking the loose hair-string behind her ear herself.

Joana can’t stop herself from looking away when she notices the tears forming in Cris’ eyes. She bits her tongue and starts shaking her head, her rapid breathing making her feel helplessness in every muscle. “Then tell me why I feel like I barely do”

Hurt by those words, Cris lets her head fall into her chest, her hands dropping off Joanas arms, the tears now overwhelmed with both, relief and hurt, rolling down her face. She understands her and that is the worst part of it. 

“Because I’ve been away for a long time. And because you’re angry with me.”, she sighs and carefully touches Joanas cheeks, which are both hot and cold, and turns her to look at her. 

Her eyes are also watery and she’s biting the inside of her cheek, like she always does when she’s overwhelmed with something. “And because you miss me, just as much as I miss you.”, Cris ends, crying.


	4. Fingertips

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You’d rather have the darkest parts of him than nothing – Rupi Kaur

She can feel her heartbeat in her fingertips, beating calmly with an intensity that lets it vibrate everywhere. Her breath is relaxed, making her chest raise slowly and pulling the arm on her stomach with her. Her mind is quiet; the only thing she hears is the sound of the rain falling onto her window. She has missed sleeping without wondering or remembering or not sleeping at all. She missed that kind of closeness. She missed her proximity. She missed her breathing next to. She missed her.

Her sleepy eyes are fixated on one thing, one single thing. Cris is here. And she’s looking at Joana. And everything makes sense.

It’s 3 o’clock and Cris heart is beating only for the girl in her arms. Joana is finally asleep; back in the bed they have spent so many nights together and where every night since then felt like a marathon of memories that Cris is not ready to let go yet.

Pictures of them together still cover the walls of Cris’ rooms; as if they have never left their place; because they never did. The drawing that Joana made of Cris in the night of their first kiss is right in the middle of all the photos; everything else revolving around it. Cris thought she had lost it in that bar, but Joana gave it back to her a couple days after Cris’ party for Amira. But even though getting back that drawing was beautiful, the most remarkable thing of it all was what she wrote on the other side of the serviette. The equalization of the first page of the book Cris gave to Joana when she was finally ready to tell her how she really felt. _“I love you”_.

And in reversed parts, while it took Cris a long time to figure it out and say it, it took Joana a while to say it again, after what happened on the rooftop and their fight in the park. And the note was the first time she did again. After that the I love you’s were said more often, every day, whenever it somehow fitted as a compliment, as a comeback, as a part of a “good morning” and a “good night”. It became their favorite words. A permanent saying. And those words still sometimes echoed in Cris’ memories from time to time, keeping her safe.

Cris watches how relaxed the muscles in Joana face are, making the feeling of wanting to protect her from everything grow again.

Cris was always protective of the people important to her but Joana brought it to a whole new level. That’s what made it even harder to break up with her, or that’s why every fight felt like a heartbreak; because Cris wanted to protect Joana; not hurt her. And at one time or another, it felt like she had to protect her from herself. How do you become the antidote when you carry the poison within yourself? How can you help someone when you don’t even know how to help yourself?

Now, Joana’s sleeping in her arms again, their feet entangled at the bottom of her bed, touching each other like magnets. People say, that home is a person or place that you want to return to over and over again. And after coming back over a week ago; here in Joanas arms, and Joana in hers, she finally reached home.

“I love you”, Cris mouths closing the space between her and Joana once more, feeling the proximity with the girl she loves once again. And she falls asleep, as if it were the simplest thing in the world.

\------

Earlier in Amiras kitchen, Cris didn’t expect this to happen when Joana said those words that shattered Cris’ heart once again; her hands breaking off Joanas cheek, as if they were lightning striking them, falling on the cold floor just as her whole body shattered on it as well.

_“There’s nothing you could ever say that will make this okay”._

And then it shattered again in a different way at 2 am, when she had already begged herself to fall asleep for hours, when she saw Joanas smeared face through the peep-hole of the door and tears in Joanas eyes swallowing her whole face.

“Joana, what’s wrong?” Cris whispered, coming closer to her, knowing that she must look just as shattered as the girl infront of her; with her eyes swollen, her cheeks incredibly red and the tears leaving makeup marks all over her face. “Are you okay?”, she asked, knowing that nothing was. Joana was breathing rapidly, her stomach going up and down with every new breath, making Cris want to do anything to make her calm down. She wanted to kiss the tears away, wanted to squish the sorrow out of her. Wanted the pain to leave Joana alone, and instead go through it herself.

“Can I..”, Joana whimpered, standing still and her whole body shaking.

Cris immediately noticed Joanas bright-red cheeks, noticing one after the other how her feet and hands were also red; and how Joana was still wearing nothing but the shorts and T-shirt from dinner, that were now soaked due to the rain that has been going on since then. She must have been outside for hours.

Cris instantly took her sweatshirt off and wrapped it around Joana; rubbing it up and down on her limp body as it kept on shaking “Hey, it’s okay. It’s okay. You’re okay”, Cris tried to calm her down.

Carefully she pulled her with her to her room, holding her with her whole body as if it would break if she didn’t. She sat her down on her bed and wrapped her blanket over Joanas upper body, giving her another thing to warm her up. Slowly Cris slid down to take Joanas shoes and socks off, swapping them with 2 layers of socks before standing up again and looking at the brown haired girl wrapped like a burrito. She was looking at the floor, not moving a bit, as if she was trapped in another world. A cold shower rolled down Cris’ back, when she realized how much she was shaking and how blue her lips already were. 

In a fast motion, Cris turned around, pulled a PJ out of her closet and put it in front of Joana while sliding down on the end of the bed “Your clothes are soaked. Can you change them?”. She tried to keep distant, tried to not make Joana worry about her worrying about her, as she so often did. 

Joana let out a soft groan and shook her head close-eyed and raised her arms into Cris’ direction with all the strength she could gather. A soft chuckle escaped Cris lips, remembering how Joana always acted like that whenever she was truly tired. When Joana heard the little sound escaping Cris’ mouth she opened her eyes, her arms slowly slipping down a bit again, looking dazed into Cris’ eyes as if she just now realized that this didn’t quite fit anymore. Cris looked away. In the corner of her eye, she could see Joana mustering her and then slowly raising her arms again. And when Cris turned to look at her, she didn’t look away. 

Almost anxiously, Cris’ hands unwrapped the blanket and sweatshirt and let their fingers slip up Joanas stomach, taking her T-shirt with them. Cris tried not to look, but touching Joana skin again was enough for her cheeks to get red, no matter how much Cris begged them to stop. Everything inside Cris wanted to touch her more, wanted to run down her fingers over her now naked arms and chest and kiss every goosebumps away. Joana watched her attentively but at the same time it looked like she didn’t register that she was here at all.

When Cris pulled the new T-shirt over Joanas head, her fingers accidently met Joanas lips, sending a shiver through her spine. She let her fingers glide over Joanas arms ending at her fingers which she just wanted to hold and never let go again. Pulling it downwards she noticed a little cut on Joanas abdomen, she didn’t know yet, and hoped to god that it wasn’t what she thought it was. Trying to not touch her more than necessary Cris climbed up behind Joana and undid her bra in one fast motion.

When she finished taking off Joanas upperbody-clothes and exchanging them with a new T-shirt Cris was almost exhausted by trying to not look or touch her too much, knowing that deep down, a part of Joana wasn’t ready for that. At least not yet.

“Can you change your trousers yourself?”, Cris asked softly, still sitting behind Joana, unable to contain her heart racing at such close proximity. She put the pants next to her on the bed sheets “You can just change under the blanket”

She let herself slowly slide down to the end of the bed, putting her feet on the floor when she got pulled back by quick fingers grabbing her hand “Don’t leave. Please”, Joana whispered under her breath, her soft voice and touch immediately causing a heat inside Cris’ chest, her heart beating faster and faster the longer she held onto her. She closed her eyes, she has missed her touch so much; the thought of her stopping ripped her apart.

She squeezed her hand, unable to fully turn around. “I won’t. I promise”. And she meant it, with every nerve of her heart and every synapse of her brain; she meant it.

In the corner of her eye, she could register Joana nodding, squishing her eyes together, trying to stop herself from remembering, but not letting go of her hand.

Cris turned around again running her finger over her fingertips qnd played with them. “Did you tell Viri you aren’t going to sleep at home?”, Cris asked, trying to distract herself from the fact that Joana was undoing her pants one-handedly right behind her, Cris hand sweating in the other one.

“No. I-I left my phone at Amiras”, Joana sighed, her voice becoming almost soundless in the end. 

“It’s okay”, Cris tried to calm Joana down by squeezing her hand once again, the closeness they shared still overwhelming her. “I’ll just text her. It’s all going to be okay, Joana”.

Cris had to let go of Joanas hand to grab her phone, which made a part of her wish that she never even asked about it. But she also knew that worrying about someone you loved was the worst. And when Viri loved someone she loved them completely. 

Just like before. 

When Joana had stormed out of the kitchen, Viri and the girls came in running the second they heard the smashing of the door. They held Cris shaking body in their arms, just like Cris was doing now, caressing her face softly. After a couple minutes Viris eyes looked apologetic at Cris, her fingers softly brushing over Cris arms “I have to check after her, too. Okay?”, Viri said softly, caressing Cris’ cheek when she carefully let go and started running after Joana. And just like they had promised Cris when she left, they did care for Joana for her.

When Cris turned her phone on again she immediately got all the messages, she didn’t see in the last 4 hours since she had switched off her phone. All of them being from her friends, most of them being from Viri herself. They started out calm and slowly became more paranoid. 

Cris just wrote _“Joana is at my place. You don’t have to worry”_ and turned her phone off again. She was not ready for her head to be anywhere but here.

“Are you done?”, Cris asked, cautious to not turn around too early, tapping on her legs nervously.

“Yeah”, Joana answered tenderly and Cris crawled back to the beginning of her bed, right next to Joana, her heartbeat immediately rising again.

She slipped under the same blanket, careful not to touch Joanas feet with hers. She could feel the heat between their bodies growing, warming each other just from the idea of being near.

“Can I turn down the light?”, Cris asked and looked at the body right next to her, Joanas eyes blatantly hypnotized by the ceiling as she nodded. Cris immediately turned it off, wanting to daze right into sleep, confused and anxious that she somehow managed to make everything worse.

Cris tried calming down her breathing, but it didn’t work; the rapid breathing of Joana right beside her only worrying her more. It made her remember how easy it was to destroy things, that no matter how careful you act, you sometimes still hurt the person you love. That’s the thing about love: Love is like giving someone a gun that is pointed at you and trusting them enough to not pull the trigger. The problem is that every gun is different, and you never really know where the trigger is positioned, unless you know them well. And even when you do, sweaty fingers can cause the same ending.

She would have never guess that the night would end like this; and if she did dream about lying in bed with Joana again, everything since her comeback would have went differently. It wasn’t forgiveness but it still was something.

“Cris?”, Joanas Argentian accent echoed in the room and Cris turned to look at her, only greeted by the darkness and instead of a heat warming her whole body a cold river running down her spine. “Can you hold me?”, she stops, and it’s almost as if both of them had stopped breathing all together “Just for tonight?”

\----

When Cris opens her eyes again four hours later, Joana is gone and the only thing showing her that it wasn’t all a dream is her PJ softly folded next to the bed and the killing pain of losing someone you just got back; even though she knows that she didn’t.


	5. Growing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know the truth by the way it feels

In all the movies and shows, it’s always either 2 things that make the love interests get back together. And it’s almost always either angry sex or a traumatic experience, that causes the hurt one to realize that they still want to care for the other person despite them having hurt them.

Normally it’s not the hurt one standing on the other ones doorstep, openly showing her vulnerability, asking to be cared for and held all night long. It usually is not spending the night together without kissing each other. It’s usually not that damn heartbreaking and heart-warming at the same time. _Just this night_.

Cris knows that that night wasn’t getting back together; it wasn’t even forgiveness; but it was trust, and that is all Cris can wish for at that moment.

“I-I just found this and I don’t know”, Cris murmurs looking down. “I thought that you may need it”. She shakes her head, holding Joanas jacket in her left hand and gesticulates with the other one whilst looking into the face in front of her “It’s yours, right?”.

Cris rolls her eyes. She is fucked, her cheeks getting red already by the thought of actually saying such nonsense. Of course it’s Joanas; Cris has been bound to see it for their whole relationship, actually making her want to burn it when Joana demanded on wearing it with the new blue shirt Cris had bought her for her 18th birthday.

Cris has been rehearsing in the bathroom for the past 20 minutes and the longer she went on, the worse it got. The reflection of her flushed red face in the mirror making her cringe at the look of herself.

At one point or another she leans into the sink in front of her, frustrated “I actually thought about keeping it, you know? Cause it smells like you.”, she murmurs and smiles awkwardly at her reflection, raising her glasses “But now that your scent is on my pillow and the blanket and my PJ and everywhere else.. I guess I’m good for now… I’ll just need you to come back when it’s gone, s..”

“Cris, please tell me you are not actually thinking about saying that”. Danis voice echoes from the outside of the door making her abruptly sink into the sink and head-bang the mirror.

“Fuck!”, Cris murmurs “DANI!”, she screams, her face completely flushed now. If she wasn’t a tomato because of her awkwardness before she definitely is now.

“What?”, he laughs “Is your love confession embarrassing?”

Cris opens the door in a quick motion, his grin immediately being the first thing she notices, which only makes the whole thing even more humiliating for Cris. She crosses her arms in front of her chest “You’re old and still live at home, so you’re not the one to talk”

“Ouch”, he laughs again, tapping Cris on the shoulder ‘comforting’, acting like the wise older person ”You know if you want to get back with someone, you usually hide that you’re a stalker.”

Cris hits him in the chest “You’re not helping”, she grunts. Actually, enjoying that she found a ventil for her anger, which is mostly directed at herself. _Why does everything have to be so complicated? _She leans against the door behind her, her voice shaking as she brushes over her face “I just don’t know what I should do or say or expect or what I’m even allowed to want”

His grin disappears as he notices the true frustration on Cris’ face, hidden behind the façade she so often wore, and he steps back to get a better look at her as he folds his hands in front of him “You just do what feels right”.

“Well thanks for nothing”, Cris scoffs and raises her arms unsatisfied “That’s exactly what got me in this messy situation in the first place”

He leans back against the wall opposite of her and musters Cris attentively, his hair covering one of his eyes “But you’re better now, aren’t you?”

It feels like she stops breathing for a moment as she registers the sentence coming out of her brothers mouth. _You’re better now, aren’t you?_ She bites the inside of her cheek, trying to stop the tears from coming. It was weird how much a part of her wishes it weren’t true, but it was. And it scared her how much.. It’s one of the most complex things when your head fights a battle, your heart doesn’t even know about. 

“Yeah”, she murmurs and holds her chin that started trembling and she squeezes her eyes shut “But I love her”. The realization that she is, in fact, better making her feel worse for leaving. She sights into her hands, single tears streaming down her face eventhough she doesn’t want to cry in front of her brother “I shouldn’t have left. I should have j-“

“Stayed unhappy? Faked it?”, he interrupts her, pushing himself from the wall and in her direction, looking irritated “What good does that to anyone?”

She sinks down, hugging her legs, pushing her knees further and further into her chest, burying her face between them. “I wouldn’t have lost her”.

She had tried to smash the tears down since she came back but yesterday got too much for her and now they just come; re-visiting whenever Cris thought about Joana. The only time they have stopped during the last 24 hours was when Joana was in her arms.

He sights and she can hear his footsteps approaching “You don’t know that”, he says softly, leaning down and putting a hand on her knee “You never know”.

When she doesn’t answer and instead her crying becomes louder, he keeps on “You know, I once read this quote-“. Cris’ head immediately jumps up and she raises her eyebrows at her brother amused without stopping to cry. “It was for research okay!” he scoffs but grins “Anyways it said that _‘If you truly love someone you always put their feelings before your own.. no matter what’_” 

The tears start dwelling in Cris’ eyes again, but he keeps on talking “But for me that’s not true. That’s not love.. but dependency. You shouldn’t have to give up your own identity for the person you love. Love is about making compromises; it’s about growing together.. and individually. Love is about so much more than just being together”

She looks up at her brothers face again; her tears have stopped but left her eyes swollen “You needed to go and she let you.” he smiles “If that’s not a healthy relationship I don’t know what is.”, he grabs her hands with his and helps her get back up “But now it’s your job to get her back”

Cris gets teary eyed again,both overwhelmed and happy. She doesn’t know if she fully registered everything yet, but the parts she got, were enough to make her smile again “Thank you, Dani. You’re the best!”

His eyes smile friendly at her “Get your girl back.”, he says softly and starts grinning “And keep her this time, cause she’s more fun to be around than you are”.

“Shut up, idiota”, Cris giggles, wiping away the tears on her face.

———-

At 17 o’clock she finds herself on her doorstep, the big wooden door in front of her again, like a barrier giving her the time to prepare herself. She has spent most of her day, laying in bed dazed by Joanas scent as if it were chloroform pulling her back in again and again, even more after the conversation with Dani. Hugging the pillow Joana had slept on made her relive the memory of Joana finally falling asleep, at 3 am, holding onto the arm that held her tight. Cris’ arm.

-

Cris remembers how cautious she was at first; afraid of crossing an invisible fence or hurting Joana while being so vulnerable; so she just put her arm around her as she had asked her to.

But when Joana pulled at her arm, whimpering “I just need you to hold me, Cris” over and over again, dragging her closer and closer; breaking the invisible barrier with those words, Cris gave in. She hugged her tight, her face finding it’s usual place in Joanas neck, her legs and arms pulling her as close as they could be. Their bodies became one once again as if they never were apart.

Maybe it was selfish of Cris, or maybe it was selfish of Joana; Maybe the reason why it was okay is because both of them acted for selfish reasons. But the bottom line was the simplest thing of all: Both of them needed the other one more than they were scared to cross a line.

-

_‘Here, you forgot this’_

‘_Hey, I just wanted to give this back to you’_

‘_Hey, no pressure or anything but I still love you, so can we please get back together’._

Cris shakes her head and takes another drag from her cigarette; she’s back to making no sense the longer she went on.

The same thing happened when Cris confessed her love for Joana for the first time. She was so scared, repeating her speech being the only thing distracting her. But then everything just went still in her head when Joana came along, and her heart just spoke for her.

Maybe it’s exactly when we show the most courage that we understand our hearts the most.

And now at Joanas door, she just wishes that the same happens. That her heart will find the words, her head still searches for. 

When she’s finished with her cigarette, she knocks; the loop of “You forgot that” driving her insane. And then, Joana opens the door and everything stops; and Cris just smiles as she sees her soft face, actually looking more relaxed than all the times she had seen her since she came back. 

Joana looks good, her eyes being the only vulnerable part of her appearance. She put her hair in a messy bun, letting some loose hair strings hang down. And she’s wearing the blue shirt that Cris gave her for her birthday, causing Cris’ heart to skip a beat just for that alone. 

“Hi”, Cris says calmly after what felt like hours and a blink of an eye, at the same time. She smiles down, holding onto the soft fabric in her hand, begging that she could hold Joana instead once more. 

She looks up again, meeting Joanas gaze, hypnotizing her immediately “You forgot that”, she says and hugs the jacket even tighter “I know how important it is for you”. _It feels like that’s something she’d tell her past-self before leaving._

Joana looks down on the jacket in Cris’ hand and bites her lip, her eyes still a little bit swollen from the night before “Thank you for bringing it”. Her gaze shifts to her feet and she starts playing with her fingers “I didn’t really know if I should ask for it”.

Cris chuckles “And I didn’t really know If I should bring it”, she says shaking her head. Her smile grows bigger, even though she can’t explain why; their conversation making her feel awkward and happy at the same time. “We really are a mess, aren’t we?”, she says softly, attentively awaiting the reaction of Joana. 

Joanas eyes widen, a big mess of hazel looking at Cris both apologetic and scared “Cris yesterday.. it didn’t..”

“I know”, Cris interrupts her and presses the jacket to her chest, trying to keep her heart from falling out of her chest, shattering. She knows that Joana is trying to tell her that it doesn’t mean that things are okay and that her going to her place is also not a promise that things will ever will be okay. But knowing it doesn’t make it any less hurt. “I just wanted to see if you’re doing okay”.

Joana looks a little taken aback, almost confused as she leans against the door waiting for Cris to keep going. Cris looks down at her feet, breaking the eye contact, but Joana just keeps mustering her as if she was trying to read a book written in a language she had learned years ago but was slowly losing the vocabulary to understand.

Maybe that’s what makes distance to the person you love so heartbreaking. It’s like you learned a language for years; you enjoyed learning something new, got to know all the little complications and extraordinary things that differentiate it from the other languages. You suffered for it, suffered with it and lived with it, loved it. It became the language you felt and thought in.

And when you stop using it, when it’s suddenly not there anymore, it just feels like you never learned it. As if nothing was real, making you question if you ever knew it at all.

“I think we should talk”, Joana says dominantly, but Cris hears the uncertainty in her voice, that maybe only she can hear.

There are just some parts of a language you never really unlearn no matter how many other languages cross your way. And Cris hopes to never unlearn the language of Joana

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Talk to me about that situation. Do you think the same as Dani?


	6. Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We’re the only ones that can bring us back together. Isn’t it such a tragic thing when you can see it so clearly but the other person doesn’t. - Rupi Kaur ~

They step into Joanas room, her new room. It is weird to think that that’s where Joana is living now and that Cris never said goodbye to her old room. The most heartbreaking thing of it is that the last thing the room saw of her, was them breaking up.

“Why did you move?”, Cris asks, looking around in the room; noticing the drawings, mostly black and white and the guitar, that she had played on for Cris once, in the corner of the room. She doesn’t see any pictures of them, but she notices the drawing of their first kiss, and that is enough to cause her chest to rise.

Out of habit, she sits down on Joanas bed, only realizing it when she notices Joana looking at her attentively. She shuffles around, barging with the idea of switching from the bed to the floor, thinking about what would be weirder. 

When Joana sits down on the chair opposite of her, Cris keeps sitting where she is; almost paralyzed by the flashback that occurs. The memories come flashing back of the first time Joana broke up with her and she shuts her eyes at the thought of it. There are just some memories you never really get over no matter how much her mind rationalizes that it’s best to let go.

But now Joana is sitting opposite of her, looking at her attentively instead of coldly and both of them know that something is unspoken between them, both wanting answers to questions they don’t know how to ask about.

“Can you sit beside me?”, Cris whispers, her breath unsteady. Joana is looking at her, her body stone-cold, but something glisters inside her eyes, making Cris keep on talking “Sitting like this is causing flashbacks”. In fact, everything is causing flashback and Cris couldn’t decide which flashbacks are worse; the ones when she’s next to Joana remembering everything that happened; or when she’s alone in her room or somewhere in Asia and Joana creeps up in her mind out of nowhere.

Slowly Joana stands up and it’s almost like the time stands still until she’s right next to Cris, looking at her, her looking at Joana and it all just feels so natural, as if they never stopped. “Better?”

Cris heart beats faster, knocking out of her chest. At the same time her breathing is slow, calmed by Joana looking at her, looking at her with such an intensity that it feels like a hug. “Yeah..”, she breaths out “Much better”

The heat between them grows, but not in the sexual way. It’s this special kind of closeness that causes your whole body to heat up but not overwhelming you. It’s something unexplainable if you’ve never experienced it before. And it is the feeling Cris only connects to Joana. 

Softly Cris starts talking “Joana, last night was..“

Joana rolls her eyes annoyed that Cris brings it up even though she said that it was okay 2 minutes ago, the calmness immediately vanishing, “Last night didn’t mean anything, Cris. I was bad and I acted out of impulse. You always were the one I went to when I felt like that and.. That’s all!”.

“I know”, Cris sighs and looks away “But just because it doesn’t mean anything for us, doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter to me… I missed you laying beside me”

“I don’t want to talk about this!”, she cuts Cris off and looks around her room, stalling, wishing that there wasn’t an explanation needed; that she didn’t have to sit and listen as Cris tried to talk; apologizing for things Joana doesn’t know if she can forgive.

Cris scoffs “What do you want to talk about then? Cause you didn’t answer the question about why you moved here either”. Cris will probably never get used to how easily it happens that Joanas mood changes. It often feels like you are walking around in a dark room and you hold onto the wall and try to get to the bed and then you accidentally touch the switch. And bam. It is one of the thing that annoyed Cris the most during their relationship but at the same time she loved her for it just as much. “Joana, I still – “

Joana bites the inside of her cheek, tasting the blood inside her mouth already “Okay, I changed my mind. I don’t want to talk.” She doesn’t look at Cris and instead looks straight ahead “I want you to go”.

“Tell me what I should do”, Cris whispers, not planning on doing what Joana had just told her. She was not going to leave. Ignoring that command just as Joana has ignored her question about moving. 

Joana stands up, shaking her head rapidity and turns to the door. But Cris stands up next to her, stopping her from leaving. “Tell me what I should do, Joana” Cris’ mouth is the only thing present in this moment, her upper body nonexistent, her legs jello.

Joana still doesn’t look at her; scared that looking at her would only confuse her more. As Joana doesn’t answer, the frustration takes over Cris’ body, her words using up all the strength her body has left “Should I scream how sorry I am? Should I wish for a traumatic situation that makes me need to prove it? Or should I just leave and wait for you to contact me? Should I just give up on us? I-I just..”, Cris sights, her voice cracking as she looks up at Joana who is still not looking at her “I don’t know what you need me to do.. Joana please, just tell me what to do”

“I need you to not have walked away”

She doesn’t say it harshly, her voice trembling and sad, but that doesn’t make them hurt any less. Cris’ face breaks, the tears dwelling in her eyes immediately as she leans down “Joana..”. Saying her name just makes the sting in her chest tighten the knot in her chest “I can’t change that anymore..”

Cris can feel Joanas body shift as she turns to look at her; now Cris being the one that doesn’t look up. “Just admit that you never were in love with me and we can move on..”, Joana says calmly, almost soft, as if saying this is the only way she could forgive Cris. As if the only way for it to be true is that it never meant anything at all. 

The sound of her words echo in the whole room leaving Cris speechless, limbless in front of the girl she loves. Cris goes pale and everything start bottling up inside her: Anger, sadness, frustration, love, regret, absence; nothing making sense. “Do you seriously think that? After everything?”, Cris’ voice breaks and now the last bit of her body gives up and the tears start dwelling up, leaving her no choice than to just let them drop.

„Joana, when I think of love.. I think of you” As she says it all the strength she tried to hold onto vanishes, and her face sinks into her chest as if her skeleton was just a myth.

It’s silent for a while, only their breathing and crying audible, until Joana speaks again. 

“How can you love someone and still leave them to drown?”. Her words, again, hitting her like daggers.

And suddenly, out of nowhere, Cris’ lungs start working again; her heart beating faster begging her to just try try try. The daggers working like a wakeup-call whilst knowing that whatever explanation she’d give her it would never turn back time. But she would try.

“I just.. I-I was lost.. It was like I wasn’t even in my body anymore and just watched me from the outside as if I was watching a film.”, Cris tries to explain, her words chaoticly coming out of her mouth “I just wanted to scream at the main character to wake up, but she wouldn’t listen to me. I wanted to slap the emptiness out of her and make her realize that everything she wants and everything she needs is right in front of her nose. And..”, her voice breaks as she looks at her feet “And that she was fucking everything up”. She starts crying and covers her face with her hands “But instead of the emptiness to leave it just spread everywhere until the only thing that made sense was to leave”.

“So you just decided you needed me and then you decided you don’t”

“No I..”

“You saw a chance to run and you took it.”. Dagger. Dagger. Dagger. Hitting Cris one after the other, not letting Cris take a breath.

“No Joana, seriously I-“

”And now you’re acting like an asshole, Cris”, Joana shouts and looks away again, as she drags her hands through her hair, pulling at it to overdraw the pain. 

“How am I acting like an asshole??”, Cris shouts. The frustration being the only thing inside her; the only thing she can hold onto. She doesn’t know how her body gets up the strength to keep all her organs intact. It’s like she forgot how to breath; she doesn’t know how her feet keep her up; doesn’t know how her heart is still beating. Sometimes it stunned Cris, how your body keeps on going while everything inside you just wants to give up.

Joana starts laughing and bites her lip “Okay, wow.. Let me break it down to you then”, she snarks “First, you broke up with me”, her voice gets louder “Second, you left and cut contact, third, you came back acting like you didn’t leave a freaking mess behind”. 

She throws her hands in the air and her fingernails cut her face as she brushes over it fiercely “But most importantly you’re acting like an asshole because you don’t have the fucking decency to admit that you left because you were sick of me.” 

Cris’ eyes widen, and Joana keeps on, her voice becoming even louder than before, almost screaming at the blonde in front of her “You were sick of me. You were sick of me being complicated…”, Joana keeps going, her heart pounding to the beat of her thoughts, that she has kept in for so long “You were sick of ME and you were done!”, Joana yells and Cris lets her. Her voice is sour and high pitched and broken; all in one.

When Joana’s done, Cris closes her eyes, her face feels hot and her tears being fire burning every part of her skin that they roll over. “I didn’t leave because of you,”. That’s all she manages to say, her voice having dried out from all the crying, not knowing what other ways there are to explain it to her. 

“Yeah but you didn’t stay because of me either”, Joana counters, her voice being completely still, almost distant, as if she didn’t shout a couple seconds beforehand. She was shutting down.

“Joana… I-I loved you more than anything”, Cris whimpers and leans into Joana, in need of her touch, in need of her heartbeat on her, in need of her. She hugs her chest, pressing herself closer to her “I loved you with everything I am”. Trying to convince her that things are not always black and white is like swimming against the flood or trying to beat a faster runner.

Her smeared face is pressed against Joanas chest that rises up and down and she feels both of their tears running down her face as she keeps on talking “But I still needed to go”.

Joana is stiff and Cris feels like she’s leaning against a cold wall with nowhere else to turn to. Slowly Joana touches Cris’ shoulders and pushes her off of her. Cris’ body is limbless, her skeleton a myth and her mind blank. She doesn’t know what else to say. 

“We should stop acting like there’s…”, Joana says, tears rolling down her cheeks as well and she points between both of them, not looking at Cris directly “that there’s hope”

“Joana, no..” is all that Cris manages to answer and she leans into Joanas body again only to be shoved into no-man’s-land by Joanas fingers, not giving her any comfort.

“Maybe we can be friends again”, Joana laughs out crying and bites her lip for comfort “A-g-a-i-n.. I don’t really think we ever were friends”

“Joana no. I know I fucked up but we can fix it.”, Cris cries out “We can! I know we belong together. We can fix it!”

“Love shouldn’t need fixing, Cris”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was kinda going through something when I wrote this chapter, so I'm sorry! haha


	7. On our own

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Last chapter"  
As you awaken, you will come to understand that the journey of love isn’t about finding “The One”. The journey of love is about becoming “The One” - Creig Crippen

It’s Friday night and she’s alone in her room, laying on her bed, hugging the same pillow that she has been hugging for the past 2 days. It’s crazy how many ways there are to miss someone. You miss the closeness you had with them. The calmness or the heat that they caused in you. You miss what they said and did and how they made you feel. You miss the way they’ve loved you. But you also miss the way you’ve been with them; because of them; for them. The way they let you love you. And right now Cris misses Joana with everything she is.

It’s weird how when love is lost, some people lose themselves as well, because they do not know who they are without the other person. But it’s exactly the fact that we think that we are defined by our environment that we do not realize that we often don’t know who we are on our own. And deep inside some people think that they need someone else to show them who they are. But nobody really tells you that loving someone isn’t always the right way to find yourself. And just like knowing that people loving you isn’t always enough, loving people isn’t enough either, if none of your love is directed at yourself.

And then you’re left realizing that wanting isn’t the same as having and having isn’t the same as needing and needing isn’t the same as loving and it’s all just a big mess of emotions no one really understands.

And sometimes you lose yourself. Without any special reason or trigger or warning and it is on you to find yourself again. But no one teaches you how to do that and nobody really explains to you that it’s something you actively have to work for – At least for Cris. The hardest part of it all is that you have to choose for yourself if you want to change or learn to love yourself the way you are.

_‘Love shouldn’t need to be fixed’_ Joanas words still echo in Cris’ mind, swallowing her whole when she’s trying to fall asleep. The letters spreading a bitter taste when she eats. Causing her chest to ache whenever she breaths. She doesn’t want her to be right.

She’s writing in her journal, something therapeutic she had started during her travels, when she gets a notification on her phone. She looks at it, her eyes heavy from the lack of sleep and all the crying; so, she squeezes her eyes together so she can read the text.

> _“Dear Cristina Soto Peña,_
> 
> _You attended the online entrance examination for Psychology 2 weeks ago and we’re happy to inform you that you achieved to be under the top 500 and we’re looking forward to have you as a new student at our university._

A warm heat rises inside Cris and her whole body shakes as she feels like a living being for the first time in two days. And in this moment the first thing in Cris’ mind is Joana and how everything inside her wants to tell her the good news. 

Maybe that’s then thing about love: That you want them with you when you’re happy because being with them, makes you even happier than you are alone. That it’s not only about being there for each other through the good, the bad and the worst times; but also the best. That you want that specific person next to you when everything is right. 

Cris wants Joana near her, wants to tell her the news and tell her that she loves her over and over and over; making up for all the times she has missed saying it while she was away. She misses saying it; just as much as she misses hearing it back.

Cris studied for the admission test when she was still in India; sitting in the hostel room with the fan on, studying while the other ones went out to party. She decided that it was worth fighting for. So she worked to get in, and now she did. She earned it because she fought for it.

In a fast motion she rips out a page of her journal and searches for a lighter to burn the edges; making it look like all the letters Joana had sent her in the past. And then her mind goes completely still as the pen touches the paper and her heart speaks for her; it’s messy and confusing and repetitious but it’s everything she is.

* * *

_ **Dear Madame Joana,** _

_You said love shouldn’t need fixing and maybe you’re right about that. Love shouldn’t be about damage control, but it’s okay when love needs fighting. Love is the only thing worth fighting for. And I don’t mean that only in the romantic sense but overall. If you want to get into university, you study hard for it. If you want to achieve something, you work for it. If you love someone you need to show them how much._

_Fighting for you is no different. The whole concept of fighting for something is the belief that they are worth the possible suffering. And you’re worth everything. _

_I can’t give you an explanation that will make all this okay. I didn’t leave because someone pressured me to. I didn’t miss to call you because a monkey stole your phone number. I didn’t have a near-death-experience that made me come back. I know I hurt you, and even if I never meant to do that, I have to make peace with the fact that I did. All I can tell you now is that I’m sorry. And I hope one day you’ll forgive me, because you deserve it. You deserve all the happiness in the world and I’m so happy that you’re good; that your life is on track. You started studying and moved out and are such an adult, it’s <strike>crazy</strike> amazing. You’re the strongest person I know, Joana, and I’m working on being just as strong._

_Do you remember when we talked about our wishes for our future and I couldn’t really answer it? It took me a while to understand that you should want things; I was always so scared to want anything, accepting that I want you was so much harder than it’s supposed to be. But life is nothing without wanting things. And well, I have a list for the things I want to achieve and I’m working on fulfilling one of the tasks right now._

_I went on travels in search of me, I thought I would find the answers to things I couldn’t find here. I was lost and I didn’t know who I was or who I wanted to be. I thought that I would find the answer if I searched for it long enough and got out of my comfort zone. I wanted a clear answer to who I am._

_But now I know that there’s not just one answer. I was different before, I changed during my travels, and I’m still changing. I am not just one thing. I am a million things in one body. I am daughter and a sister. I am a friend. I am a will-be student. I am a party-girl and I am a couch-potato. I’m confused, and I’m certain. I am strong and I am weak. I’m a good person that sometimes does stupid things. I make mistakes and sometimes I make up for them. I am an asshole and an idiot. I am bisexual. I am a paradox, and I’m easy to relate to. I am a fighter and I am a pussy. I’m a girl in search of herself. And I am a girl in love._

_I read so many articles on how to get your ex back, you’d actually make fun of me for it, and I’m breaking all the rules. They say that I should give you time to breath. I should try to make you jealous and show you how happy I am. I shouldn’t talk about how much I missed you and I shouldn’t talk about getting back together right away. And most importantly, I should not be clingy; and I should wait for you to want me again. But I can’t. I can’t wait. I’m so desperate for you._

_And I know you may think that I only want you back because I’ve never been with anyone else or because I am lonely or that I want you back so I can forgive myself for what I did. But I don’t.. I want you back because I love you and I want you back because it’s the only thing that makes sense and I want you because no matter where I went my heart was with you. And I want you because it’s you and I want us because it’s us._

_I missed you so much; I spend every Sunday morning with you even though you weren’t there. I walked around wherever I was, imagining being in our park and talking to you like we always did. I told you about my fears and I dreamed that you were less fearful than I was, telling me to face my fears and not run from them. You were with me; then and every single day._

_And I want to tell you so many things._

_I want to talk to you about the memories I made and what weird things made me think of you; like the fact that a German asked for oregano and the waiter had no idea what it is._

_And I want to tell you of the time I screamed your name from the top of a mountain at sunrise and I felt like it reached you._

_And I want to tell you that the way I miss you, hurts in my whole body, but I survive it._

_And I want to tell you that you smell the same like all those months ago and that our bodies fit together like a key into a lock._

_And I want to tell you that I missed my favorite place and that I want to hold you and I want to lean back into your arms, knowing that you’ll catch me._

_And I want to tell you that the idea of spending my Sunday morning in Madrid without you instead of strolling around in the park together, is ripping me apart, but I understand if you need time._

_And I want to tell you that I love you and that it’s something that makes my tongue tingle out of excitement as if we just met._

_And I want to tell you that I want you, every day and that wanting you is my favorite thing._

_I spend 15 months travelling, meeting people from all over the world and the only person I ever wanted is you. If nothing means anything, then that does. We’ve loved with a love that is more than love. I can’t explain it, but If someone understands, then it’s you. And if you ever decide to trust me again, I know we’ll be stronger than ever._

_I love you. I’m in love with you. Both. Everything. I feel everything for you. I get why it’s hard to trust me again and I will fight for you and prove to you that I mean it every day in every possible way. _

_I love you and I won’t give up cause we are worth fighting for._

_Yours forever,_

Cris.

* * *

———–

It’s Sunday morning and Cris is in the park as if she had never left. The sun is throwing shades behind her body, keeping her company. She’s lurking around, looking at the trees around her, notices how the leaves fall off them, like children letting go of the hands of their parents on their first day of school. She’s strolling up and down the little hill; the wind touching her face, showing her that she’s alive. She walks underneath the bridge, the tunnel as she calls it, where they had that big fight at and where they also kissed 5 weeks after that in public to make up for that. All the memories are a blur and still everything is so clear.

She remembers how the whole ritual in the park started; the way Joana explained to her why it became her favorite place. Her second favorite place after she met Cris; Cris’ arms becoming her favorite place after a while. Cris recalls how important it was for Joana that Cris liked it too, just like Joana liked Cris’ roof.

When they went there together for the first time, arriving and leaving together, Joana showed her the tree she sat down under after she had her first doctors appointment after they moved to Madrid. How everything suddenly was okay.

It became their place from then on, spending Sunday mornings there together and sitting under the tree, body on body, talking about nothing and everything.

Cris touches the giant tree and leans onto it, wondering if trees ever wish they could leave and if they would if they could. And then she looks up and sees her and everything inside her goes numb. Joana looks even more vulnerable and tiny from far away; holding herself as she walks down the hill, her hair loosely falling around her cheeks. And then she looks up and they lock eyes from the other side of the park, the tunnel being the only thing separating them.

The thing about tunnels is that what you see depends on where you’re standing; and from what angle you’re looking at it. If you’re standing right next to the tunnel, it looks like a blockade; something that cuts the street, separating it forever. But when you take 3 steps to the side.. and you stand right infront of it.. you realize that you can look through it. You see the continuation of the way, the thing that you didn’t even know could exist.

And right this second, Cris and Joana are both standing at the beginning of the tunnel, seeing each other from the other side. Time is dragging so slowly, and everything’s blurry and dreamlike.

Their eyes are fixated on each other drawing their bodies closer and closer; both of them equally scared and sure; until they are standing right in front of each other. Right underneath the bridge of the tunnel. Cris’ breathing speeds up and her fingers start tingling.

“Hey”. Joanas voice is soft and her eyes vulnerable, reminding Cris of the last time that she went to Joanas place, when so many things were still unsaid. Joana wasn’t ready then, and maybe she isn’t yet either, but she’s here, and that’s what matters. Joana tries to focus on the warmth of her shoulders and not her heartbeat going crazy. Anything to keep her centered and stop her from biting on her nails.

“Hi”, Cris’ voice breaks and her neck is hot, aching to get closer to the girl in front of her. Her mouth is delicately opened, too overwhelmed with feelings to fully close it. Her legs feel wobbly but her mind is clear.

For a moment, neither of them speaks. And when Cris opens her mouth again, she doesn’t even know what she’s about to say, before the words slip out of her tongue. “You’re here”, she breaths out, not fully processing anything but the heat in her chest warming her whole body.

Joana wears a warm smile on her face, the kind that Cris only gets so see, when Joana fully lets her guard down. And her hazel eyes are looking right at her, the sunlight shining on her face, making her whole face glow like a light in the dark. “You’re back”, Joana mouths.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is actually the last chapter and the next one is a bonus chapter that I don't know when I'll publish it. And if you follow me on tumblr don't tell them that there's gonna be another chapter.. I wanna surprise them haha
> 
> I don't know when I'm going to upload that special chapter though, so I'm sorry in advance :)


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